Story in Experience Project

I have fantasized about being tied up ever since puberty. Always a fantasy about women completely immobilizing me and having fun with my naked body. Most of the time the urge stayed on the back burner and only simmered. Every three months or so the fantasy would become overpowering and boil over for about 3 days, to a point that I could hardly focus on my work. (It must be a biorythm thing). During that time I would tie myself up by any means I could devise, and at any opportunity.

When I got married I soon found out that my wife had no similar fantasies. I figured I must be weird and never told her about mine. I never told anyone. Thank God for the internet. It helps us connect and discuss things that can't be discussed in "polite" company. Now we can get a sense of how common the feelings really are.

After 25 years of marriage, I finally admitted to my wife that I had fantasies about being tied up while a woman has her way with me. She was a little cool about the idea but played along with VERY light bondage. Over the next few years she experimented just a few times with just a little light bondage; still a little cool but enjoying it more over time.

Eventually I decided that my urge to be tied is very much a part of me and as such it should be celebrated and explored. I came out of the closet and talked about it openly with family and close friends. I also talked about finding people who wanted to explore this urge to be tied up and the cosmic feelings it releases. At that point my wife became more interested in helping me explore.

It didn't take long to figure out that, even though it was intertwined with sexual fantasies, being tied up was not about sex. It was much more cosmic and spiritual.

We also learned that being lightly tied was not going to satisfy. I had to be totally helpless and at her mercy for it to have the full effect.

She wore out on the topic much faster than I did, so it didn't intensify like I might have liked. For a while she was quite cool on the subject. Meanwhile I no longer hide my need to be tied. Our bed has a couple of home made nylon strap cuffs permanently installed near the headboard. When I am fit to be tied, I often slip my hands into them and stretch out on the bed. It is difficult but possible for me to escape only by using my toes to pry the cuffs open. If my need is really strong, I tie my feet. Then I am trapped until she comes in and lets me out.

Sometimes she is a little miffed that I am doing this. Sometimes she is a little turned on. Sometimes she lets me stew in my own juices for hours while she entertains herself in the next room all evening. It fascinates me that all three of these are good outcomes. The risk that she might be mad at me while I am naked and at her mercy is a big turn on. If she is turned on it can become great sex. If she just lets me stew for hours, I get even more time enjoying the cosmic feeling of being physically helpless and not in control.

Evolution of drive

My interest in being tied is changing.
Exposing it to the light of day has allowed it to live and to soften.

I still have never done any hard core BDSM. In fact I am not even interested in the websites about that any more. Once on a rare while I still wish to be tied up and tickled or gently abused by a relative stranger, but much less than before.

Last fall I had a tie-up session with an energy worker. It reached new levels as far as me being exposed and vulnerable. It served some sort of energetic and spiritual purpose, but it left me underwhelmed and unable to write about it. Something was missing. Something was not complete.

Now I can sort it out.
There was no real danger, no imagined danger, no chance of physical horseplay, and to some extent the energy worker's spirit was not fully engaged.

I think that being physically exposed was not much of a risk anymore because that taboo had already been broken. Neither of us were going to do any horseplay or anything else that would risk our normal relationships. So there we were; tying me with no chance of taking the next step, the reason I would be tied; something I couldn't say no to, or defend myself from.
Tickling, torture, sexual horseplay, mind games, sensual deprivation or enhancement games, who knows what. That is the missing risk.

Yet I am not as interested as I was before in BDSM websites or risky behavior with strangers. Somewhere, sometime there is a person or couple that I can trust who will be fascinated with exploring this and can teach me a thing or two.

It will be interesting to see what turns this takes next.

Waxing Gibbous

Ever since my earlier entry about cycles I have been paying attention to the phases of the moon.

If the phases have any effect, I am guessing that the waxing gibbous is the time I am most likely to feel like being tied up or stretched out. That is the last several days before the full moon.
We will see if that pattern holds up.

Adrenaline?

I think it has a lot to do with adrenaline. Several experiences lately have shown me that risk is a big part of the equation.
Any time I tie myself up and there is some risk that I won't get myself untied fast enough to avoid getting caught, my heart races, my sinuses and lungs clear up instantly.

I had a cold last week and took a few such chances while staying at my mother-in-law's house. WOW! Those annoying cold symptoms totally disappeared. With the bedroom door slightly open, mother-in-law could get home any moment, and may look in, and I would have to perform some time consuming naked gymnastics to untie myself. Hearing the garage door open was a little piece of panic. Knowing that could happen is what kept the adrenaline up.

Thinking about other situations...
Being naked for the first time in front of a new person, or sharing my interest (in being tied up) with a new person, or anything that incrementally breaks another silly taboo... opens me up to another level of truth, or intimacy. It is Taking a risk.
Getting "caught" by somebody who would be surprised or shocked adds another kind of risk.
Being totally physically vulnerable is adding another risk on top of he intimacy risk.
The slim chance that someone would take advantage of me sexually, or want to toy with me is just as terrifying, but also is the stuff that fantasies are made of.

Adrenaline isn't the whole story. I think it is a big piece, but there is also something cosmic and relaxing and settling about being stretched out naked for extended periods. This is true only at certain times. I can't help but think that it has something to do with radiating chi, communicating spiritually, connecting with other times or planes.

Distilling the essence

It is what our brains are designed to do.
We take in zillions of messages. We sort them out and average them. The process eliminates some of the noise, exposing the hidden consistencies.
When someone does this well for many years, we call it wisdom.

For all the noise around the topic of sex, one message is very consistent; "restraint."
Restrain your impulses. Don't touch. Don't look. Don't talk about it much. Don't let anyone see any body parts even remotely associated with sex.

Even after you grow up and get a partner, the restraint theme continues. Not this time of the month; not in public; not now; not with anyone else; not so fast. It all reinforces the powerful and growing message,,, "Restrain yourself."

Some people respond to this repression by rebelling and purposely breaking as many of these rules as possible. Some just meekly follow the rules.

It's fascinating how the brain intertwines things associated with pleasure. Sex is such a powerful part of our brain that anything we even associate with sex can trigger pleasure. If red shoes are associated with pleasure, pretty soon red shoes themselves will cause the pleasure. The same is true with restraint, cars, even pain.

Some people, operating in the language of dreamspeak, internalize the message "restrain yourself." They begin to associate restraint with sexual pleasure. That blossoms into fantasies and eventually becomes its own source of pleasure.

Time and feelings

I have had very little interest in being tied up for about a month. Now the feelings are slowly building up again. It is a little like the waxing and waning of the moon, only on a different time scale.

I find myself falling asleep on a couch with my arms stretched out over my head. It somehow feels good. If the cycle happens like normal, stretched out body positions will get more and more pleasurable over a period of weeks or months. Fantasies will get stronger.

Near the peak, I may sometimes feel the need to be tied down so I won't float away. I may have an overwhelming need to be tied naked and totally helpless, totally at the mercy of another person. At that point it becomes a spiritual experience, a cosmic trip, a teachable moment. It may involve spiritual guidance.

I can ignore those feelings, and I often have, But now I find it much more fascinating to go with the flow. These feelings are part of who I am. They seem to be harmless and quite likely they are trying to teach me something.

Trust and control

Someone sent around an email asking the question...
"What are the greatest lessons in life you have ever learned?

One of the replies was good enough that I wish I had said it...

I think the biggest lesson I have learned is "Trust." In events. In other people. In myself. Trust requires me to open up and let go of my need to control things. The times when I have been most willing to go with the flow and trust have always led to the most interesting, exciting, important changes in my life. Of course, being open to outside control has its risks, but that's what makes it a life lesson. If it was easy, it wouldn't take so long to learn.

An important part of the need to be tied up is about trust. You have to give up control. Either actually or potentially put your trust in some one else. You have to go with the flow; and it certainly could get interesting.

Some of us feel the pull to turn control over to a trustworthy person to play out the next scene in a way that we can't, or won't.
We learn. We grow. It is exciting.